To Hold On

To Hold On

Sometimes it takes more courage to walk away than to stay. It’s the holding on that will kill you. The extra weight that keeps you down and holds you back from traveling to places your heart yearns to explore and experience adventures that your soul aches to experience. You attach yourself to a job you hate that pays the bills or a man you who does the same. You spend far too much time convincing yourself that you have no other options while making the best of the hand you’ve been dealt. I understand this phenomenon for I have lived it. 

So many precious years were lost as I sat trapped inside of a 500 pound body, while the world outside went on without me. Friends and family pretended not to notice that I’d given up on all of my hopes, dreams and ambitions. What they did not realize was that I had actually given up on life. Surrendering to my food addiction nearly killed me while the loneliness I experienced, consumed my every waking moment. Not a single genuine smile graced my lips for nearly a decade as I sat alone waiting for someone or something to save me. Without hope, it becomes so easy to give up as the struggle of just holding on overtakes the excitement of actually living. There came a day when my hands were numb, battered and blistered from battling to just hang on, that I faced the option to just let go. It was a day when the fear of living became greater than the fear of dying. Life is about seeing, hearing and experiencing new things. Happiness comes from the smiles, joy and laughter of others and our daily relationships and interactions with our family and friends. Isolation is devastating and debilitating and I was surrounded by the emptiness of it every day and every night. 

And then it happened; I awoke one morning with the sun, feeling a supernatural strength and fortitude within me. It pumped up my heart and reignited the embers inside of my soul. My mind began to crave new things and fresh adventures. As I stood up from the bed, my tired twisted legs throbbed with pain, yet I ached to feel the muscles in my thighs and calves work again. It was as if my mind, body and soul had made a pact to insure my survival, working together to bring my nearly dead body back to life. The process was prolonged and difficult. There were days when I longed to quit, but as time passed, so did these self-defeating thoughts. Today, 250 pounds lighter, I am thankful for the courage that found me, the determination which carried me and the happiness which has consumed me. Every day gets just a bit easier and my life a little bit better. It’s been a tough journey, but I realize that there is just no shortcut to a comeback, so it only makes sense to enjoy the ride!